Translated from Russian by Matvei Yankelevich
backwards time
1.
i lost my virginity in this building, says alice
freakish multi-colored walls of the ruin
stick out in all directions
on an orange wall—a bicycle
the excavator’s metal wrecking ball
slams into the wall with its pendulum swing
the bicycle drops
it seems:
alice is a hundred years old
those were my dropout days, alice continues
one of my friends was rolled, sent to the big house
another died in chechnya
we smoked dope in that doorway
actually:
alice is twenty
now everything’s gonna be alright, says alice
no more rifle assembly, i reply
and i’m gonna write music, she says
and we laugh
at the connect-the-dots of a burst of gunfire on the kiosk
at the jacks-of-all-trades on the arbat with their red army helmets at the bricks of faces
behind the glass of black jeeps
at the archeologists and the bones in the asphalt
from here on out, it’s a breeze
from here on out, it’s kickass
alice gets on her bike
rides down into the rib-caged hollow
under the apartment building
falls to the ground
in the shape of an embryo
gulps and swallows amniotic fluid
she’ll never be a mother
an ES-10 bulldozer
levels the ground
over the hollow
it seems:
the elevator’s dropping, i wake up
2.
in that story about alice
she ends up in wonderland
where the moscow river
glows like a slit on a dress
with the white legs of the moon tempts the passersby
entices with the magnet of a miracle
later—
time speeds up
in reverse
surgical scissors / paper airplanes
war’s
when the
surgeons
clamp fag-ends
in forceps
for a last drag
scrubbed hands
smell of rubber
bloodied sheets
on gurneys
cover faces
cold toes poke out
some with fresh pedicures
numbers on the tags
war’s surgical scissors
clip the wings
off paper airplanes
cut out the pilots
conclusion
as a child
spellbound by septic pumps
seduced by their workings
they drew me in
like death
conclusion:
a subject not likely to emigrate
white-blue-and-red pyramids
minutes after sex
he strangled his lover’s cat
in the bathroom
only then could he orgasm—
that’s how he told it
to me while
sitting on the floor
assembling a white-blue-and-red pyramid
for my child
he also told me—
during the war
he raped women
cumming where others
had come
together they jammed vaginas
with their emptied champagne bottles
their fake-leather army boots kicked stomachs
breaking glass into shards against intestines
virgins were shot:
it was too much—
to know a man
all the wonder of a man
a week later he came with roses
many many roses
said—i love you
that’s the first time
i felt the itch
to kill someone
in every white blue red
wheel of the pyramid
to kill someone
in the eyes of my child
anatomical theater
the course of study
included an operation
on a dog
after the operation
she patted the dog’s head
washed the instruments
thought—
what to do next
to save her
for instance
bringing meatballs from home
blood drained into the basin
a sudden dull knock
interrupted her thoughts—
with all his strength
the lab assistant
struck the dog’s head
against the tile floor
it’s a pain to look after—
he said
the little operating room
turned into an immense morgue
where everything dies
that i’ve saved from dying
in the evening
dressed for the theater
i gazed in the mirror admiring my new
dog head
until the curtain fell